Length: 869 words (3.2 pages)
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Humorous Wedding Toast by a Childhood Friend of the Groom


Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start by thanking Barry, on behalf of Sara, the chief bridesmaid, for his kind words. I'm sure everyone agrees that she and Linda look wonderful today. Sara has performed her duties perfectly, ensuring the bride arrived here on time and cured of all her wedding day nerves. Out of interest, how many margaritas did it take?

Now, I only agreed to be best man because I know that Barry is very organized and a bit of a control freak. I thought that I wouldn't have to do anything and that Barry will take care of things - he'll sort all the wedding, which he has, and the stag do, which he did, and he'll write my speech. So come on, Barry - hand it over.

But for better or worse, and probably the latter, I've actually written my own speech. And, in doing so, I came to realize that there are some stories you can tell at a wedding and then there are others that might be interesting to hear, but can't really be told. The ones that Barry made up about himself for the readers' letters section of Penthouse would be an example.

So instead, I'd like to tell you about all the wild things Barry and I got up to in our childhood. I'd like to tell you because then someone other than my psychiatrist will know. But in early life and school days, Barry was the model son, rarely naughty, kind and considerate. He was exceptionally gifted, a very popular student and he excelled in everything he did, be it sports, academics or the arts. His only vice, it appears, was the storage of vast amounts of bogies behind the headboard of his bed.

I didn't actually meet Barry until secondary school, where my first impression was "wow - this guy knows how to dress!" As we became friends, I started copying what he was wearing - until my mum banned me from taking clothes from her wardrobe.

But once he was over the cross-dressing, Barry became a popular and quick-witted lad. I'll never forget one time in school when the teacher caught him and a bunch of others having a fag under the smokers' tree. Before the teacher could say anything, Barry went round each of them stubbing out their cigarettes and berating them on how bad smoking was for them. He then turned to the teacher and explained he was working undercover.

And his quick thinking has certainly remained with him, as illustrated by the time Barry and I went to Spain together. Barry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sat on the plane next to a beautiful Italian lady. Being polite, Barry asked her name and, looking down her nose at him, said "Carmen, because I like fast cars and faster men!" "Well in that case", said Barry, "my name is Lager Tits!"

But Barry's legendary wit was rather silenced when it came to wooing Linda. Although they were at school together, Barry said that Linda was too posh to talk to him at school. Linda, however, insists that it was the geeky bouffant mullet that he sported that kept her away. But true love did flourish five years later in a pub in Worcester. Barry casually sauntered over and said, ?It's Linda Wright from school, isn't it?? to which she replied, ?Yes, hello - it's Simon, isn't it??

Barry really is a very special person, and a much better proposition than Simon. He is trusted and respected by his friends and family as much as anyone I know. He is one of the most generous and gregarious people I've had the fortune to meet, and his company is certainly never dull. And to quote one of Barry's good friends, ?Just thinking about Barry makes me laugh!? Personally, I can't think of a higher compliment than that.

My wish to you, Linda, is that you have a long and happy marriage and that all of your dreams come true. My wish to you, Barry, is that all of Linda's dreams come true. Unbeknown to all of you, I have already congratulated the groom. I said to him, ?Barry, you will always look back on today as the happiest day of your life.? Fitting words, I thought, after a fantastic stag do - which reminds me, with 12 lads trying their hardest to do their worst to Barry on the stag night, I did a pretty good job of looking after him. I can safely say that I didn't let Barry do anything he wasn't supposed to - but that job was made easier for me because the bouncers in the lap dancing club wouldn't let you do anything you weren't supposed to either.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can tell that you are all having a great time here today and this is mainly down to the weeks and months of planning by Barry and Linda. I will now finish things off so you can once again have a great time but, before I do, I ask you all to stand as I propose a toast to the bride and groom - to Barry and Linda!