Length: 704 words (2.6 pages)
Rating: Red (FREE)      
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Humorous Wedding Speech about the Groom


Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Before starting the one speech that I know you?ve all been waiting for, I?d like to thank both Steve and Marcus ? my two support acts.

And I?d also like to thank Marcus in particular, for hosting what so far has been an absolutely fantastic wedding. It can?t have been easy watching your only daughter marry someone like Steve.

In fact, I can only imagine what it might have been like - perhaps a similar feeling to realizing that you?ve just trodden in some fresh dog mess, only 100 times worse?

But Marcus, if I may call you that, you?ve conducted yourself with great dignity and composure today, and I think we should all take inspiration from you ? particularly when we next have a mishap on the pavement.

And talking of mishaps on pavements, it was 17 years ago this very year that I trod on Steve ? sorry, I mean that I met Steve - one September morning, both of us walking to our first day at St Joseph?s Secondary.

And I feel the things I?ve witnessed over the last 17 years give me a certain authority today to remind Marcus, and to tell those of you who don?t know Steve, quite what Aimee?s got herself into.

Now, I can see Steve beginning to look uncomfortable and, behind that sweet smile, Aimee is clearly furious. And it?s fair enough, because they did make it very plain to me that today was a family occasion. But it?s also tough, because this is too good an opportunity to miss.

That said, they shouldn?t really worry because Steve?s never been much of a rebel. In fact, at school he was quite a goody-two-shoe ? if you ignored the fact that through the fourth and fifth year he used his changing room locker to run a profitable lending library of pornographic magazines. Let me tell you, when word got round that the Porn Prince had some new stock in, there would be a queue half way round the block. Or so I heard.

But he did ask me not to go into that today, because it?s something he?s never told Aimee, so I won?t.

And in fairness to Steve, he was actually a keen student who always wanted to put forward his opinions ? and he would have done well if the examination board had only agreed with just a few more of them.

But you couldn?t fault him for trying. I recall a time in our Biology class when we were learning about ? you?ve probably guessed it ? human reproduction. I?m sure most of us here can recall that particular time, when it?s all blushes from the girls and suppressed giggles from the lads at the back.

But I?ll always remember Steve?s confidence in his knowledge when, in response to the teacher asking the class ?when is a woman most fertile??, he put up his hand. ?Yes, Steve, please tell us ? when is a woman at her most fertile?, said Mrs Whittingford, our teacher, clearly impressed by young Steve?s maturity to speak publicly on a subject which after all, to most adolescent boys, is either dreadfully embarrassing and uncontrollably hysterical.

?At closing time on a Saturday night, Miss.?

Ladies and gentlemen, I?m beginning to worry that I?m painting an inaccurate picture of Steve. So I should remind you ? and perhaps myself ? that here is a man who, despite his various misdemeanours as a schoolboy, has passed all 14 of his accountancy exams in the last three years and has the prospect of a fantastic career ahead of him.

In fact, I?ve been standing up here making cheap gags for quite long enough. But before I sit down and shut up, it seems perfectly obvious to me that the ones here today who?ll have the last laugh are Steve and Aimee ? my very best friend and, if I may say so, his gorgeous new wife.

And that?s because it?s totally clear for everyone to see how very happy they make each other ? and, I imagine, how very happy they?ll be when I do actually sit down.

So please join me in raising your glasses to their future life together: to Steve and Aimee.