Length: 1248 words (4.5 pages)
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Humorous Best Man Speech - The Groom?s Life Story


Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. It?s surprising just how far some people are prepared to travel for a free lunch. It?s a good job the groom didn't choose the menu, otherwise we would have had penut-butter sandwiches washed down with beer.

Firstly, I have a feet messages to read out.(read telegrams etc.) As Bill Clinton said to each of his girlfriends, I wont keep you long.

I?d like to begin by thanking the groom for asking me to be best man. I would also like to thank the bride for allowing him to ask me. The groom has a splendid set of friends, and to be nominated from such esteemed company is without doubt a great honor. Thanks also to the ushers, friends, and family who have all helped to make this day so special.

(To the bride) You make a fine bride and look beautiful and radiant. I couldn't help but notice the groom swell with pride when he saw you walking clown the aisle in that dress. (To the groom) You are indeed a lucky man, you have married someone who is attractive, warm, loving and caring. A wife who

will be all you could ever wish for and more. (To the bride) You have married someone who is: handsome, witty, intelligent, charming, good looking... (To the groom) Sorry, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

When the groom asked me to be his best man, I consulted the Internet for help. I discovered that the job is essentially comprised of four main tasks:

1. Organize the stag party (bachelor party) - perhaps you could tell us again how you burst the inflatable sheep.
2. Help the groom dress (at last I found out where the G-string from Dublin went.)
3. See that all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay (quite a task as most of them have been released under care in the community.)
4. Make a speech. I thought it was going to be tough following a speech by the groom and I was right, I couldn't understand a single word he said.

I did find a lot of other interesting things on the Internet but I wont go into that now.

I met the groom over ten years ago, and I often wonder what it would be like if I didn't have him as a friend. Sometimes the smile lasts for days. He has more skeletons in his closet than Fred West ever managed.

I have plenty of stories that I could tell you about the groom, fortunately for him alcohol has blurred many of them. and the others are really



unsuitable for this occasion. I'm sure that as today wears on then some of them may come out. The groom will perhaps tell you some himself then I could fill you in with what really happened.

However, I feel obliged to give those of you who don't know him too well a brief rundown of his life so far, to give you an idea of what sort of person he is. He was born in 1973, the same year that Value Added Tax (VAT), was introduced in the UK, setting the tone for his popularity. Although his parents loved him, it?s not hard to believe he was an extremely ugly baby. In fact I?m told his mom didn't start morning sickness until after he was born. He did?t enjoy school as much as the other kids. At play-school he was different, all the other kids were four years old and he was eight. But in his defense he was a special child, so much so that he was put in all the special classes. By the time he was nine he had started reading his first book and by the time he was fourteen he'd finally finished it. I have managed to obtain a copy of his school report. Obviously I wasn?t at school with him, but you can imagine my surprise when I read his former teacher?s comments:

Geography: (The groom) is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology: While (the groom) is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education: (The groom?s) understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the Book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

It was at School that he first met (the bride) and although there was mutual attraction it was to be a few years down the line before they were to fall in love. In the meantime he would find other ways of pleasuring himself.

Until then cars and alcohol were his passion and this is where we formed our close friendship. One time while servicing on a rally in the Middle East, the groom was propositioned for marriage by a rich Sheikh who took a fancy to the fresh-faced youth. I left them to it. Im not sure what happened that night but the sheikh had a new boyfriend the next day. Perhaps the bride will be able to enlighten us there.?

I will save stories such as when the groom went jogging round Kendal Parks naked, the crazed woman in Malta who gave him a little more that he bargained for (the pot of yogurt didn't expect that either), or the many other tales for another time.

After a few failed relationships (sixt-nine does indeed seem to be his lucky number) he was once again left looking for his soul mate. His long-term relationship with beer would always remain, but he needed someone else in his life.

When he met the bride in the local nightclub one night, the attraction he felt at school was re-kindled. He told me the following day how lucky he felt that his childhood dream was about to happen, a date with the bride. It was at this point I realized that this might be the girl he had been searching for, and today this has been proven. He was smitten like never before and made the choice to settle down with her. Together they chose a house with a lovely mature garden. His time spent admiring the garden enabled him to set up a part-time scrap metal business from the empty beer cans that quickly piled up.

I was talking to the bride before the wedding and asked her how she felt about sex before marriage. She replied it should be no problem, as long as it didn't hold the ceremony up too long. With an attitude like that then I'm sure that they will have a long and happy life together.

The groom has always been extremely generous and very loyal. He is also good company and great fun. I know that as a friend no one could wish for better, and he will offer even more to the bride.

Today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between them will be strong enough to last forever. Here's to love, laughter, and happily ever after. As they start their new life, lets toast the new husband and wife. To the bride and groom.